My Realization

I didn't realize that I was, in fact, a sex addict until later in my addiction. I always knew I wasn't your average girl next door, but I didn't think it was a problem.

I don't know if it's the normal thing to do, because most probably have few enough people on their "roster" to be able to name them off the top of their head, but I keep a diary... and on the back pages I write the people I have had sex with. I had a period of time in my life - about 6 months - that I didn't write at all in this diary, and when I went back to it, I went to update my list. When I realized I had more than 10 men to add in that short period of time, I started to think I had some issues. Some women don't sleep with more than 10 men in their entire lives, and I blew that away in 6 months. That's when I resolved to go to a counselor.

I have an addictive personality. I become addicted to anything that makes me feel "good." I'm not talking about "good," as in high... I'm talking about feeling normal. I want to feel calm, and I want to feel love, and attention, like I'm important. That's why I so easily became addicted, also, to therapy. I wanted to go every single day because I had a captive audience who wasn't there to call me bad names and tell me I'm crazy - but to help me.

My therapist's name was Elaine. She was an older woman, mid-to-late 30's, with a very soothing voice and calming presence. She made me feel welcome immediately, and I sat across from her in an uncomfortable leather chair two times a week and sold my soul. I told her everything, anything she asked I answered, and I said whatever I felt or thought... which led her, finally, to the conclusion that I am a sex addict. I got so into it sometimes that our hour-long sessions turned into two-hour-long sessions. She was very accommodating, and after a while she scheduled me around lunchtime so I could have my two hours and talk to her while she ate. It seems strange looking back on it that I felt so comfortable telling this middle-aged woman all my filthy fantasies and experiences, but I did, and she never blinked twice.

Even when I was young, before I ever had sex, I was curious about it. I mean, all kids, to a certain point, are curious about anatomy and where babies come from. But me - it was different. I was curious about which hole the penis is supposed to go in and if it hurt, and how long I had to wait before I tried it. I also discovered myself very early - I think I was 9 or 10 when I had my first orgasm. I was never sexually abused, no one was overly-friendly with me at a young age - I'm really unsure as to where this all came from, but it's my reality. We talked about that too, Elaine and I, and she was determined to uncover some hidden truth about my childhood... but there were none.

Elaine gave me a prescription for Xanax, which, in case you've never heard of it, is a nerve pill. She felt it would help me resist my impulses, and by doing so, reduce them. Well... Xanax made me feel fantastic... and you should know by now what that led to... but that's another story.

While I was attending therapy we talked about ways to treat my addiction. It's not your everyday run-of-the-mill drug addict fix... it's much more complicated than that. While in treatment for sex addiction they recommend you abstain from sex (of any kind, masturbation included) for 3 full months. After that you should only have sex when you have consciously decided to do so for reasons that will be fulfilling to you after the fact, so as not to lead again into the vicious cycle that sex addiction becomes. I, obviously, fell off the wagon.

Eventually, Elaine told me that since I'd been diagnosed, I could come back once a month for follow-ups. I didn't go back after that. It was a tease to only be able to go once a month. I wanted it all or not at all, and that's just the way it was. I did okay while I was in therapy, but as soon as I couldn't have my two-a-weeks, I was back to the old me... but I still filled my prescriptions, and ate them everyday, usually washing them down with Vodka.

That's a bit of my background. I'm off to bed now, though... it's so late.