Bad Decisions

I lost my virginity in the back of a car in an alley way with my best friend in the drivers seat. It wasn't even a very nice car. I look back now and think, my God, why did I do that? From that day forward it was like an insatiable urge to me... to have a man touch me, not even to love me, or satisfy me... I just yearned for physical closeness. It made me feel empowered. Like Lil Wayne says, I had the power of the P-U-S-S-Y and that disease that overcame me that night has not given up on me since.

It's almost laughable what a woman can get a man to do for some pussy. I'm not saying that all men are controlled by it... but most will bend over backwards to get a woman to sleep with him. In the beginning I'm sure I probably wasn't fantastic in bed. I knew my way around okay, but I was just like every beginner. Let's just say that practice might not make perfect, because perfection doesn't exist, but I've gotten pretty damn close. I have never, since the age of 18, had sex with someone that didn't call me for 2nds... I've had one-night stands, but they were by my choice.

Sometimes I think about the differences between me and your average woman... I talk freely about my sexual encounters, as well as my preferences. I wouldn't turn down sex from a man just because I'm angry with him... we can argue later. I will do things and try things that most women think are turn offs. Strange things turn me on and I have fetishes that some men are surprised at. Things like that set me apart from the girl next door.

Do I hate my addiction? Most of the time. Sometimes I embrace it. I hate it because it keeps me from having a real, functional relationship. I get angry when I don't have sex for a while... and I take that out on my partner. Contrary to popular belief, not every man wants to have sex all the time, and it can get old when your girlfriend wants to fuck you 5 times a day, every single day. At first everything is all fine and dandy... but once the novelty wears off and it's "normal," the sex gets boring and you have less of it. That's when I have to call it quits. Or he will. I'll call it quits because I need to have sex. He'll call it quits because I need to have sex too much.

In my current situation, my FWB is what I would call a functional addict. He can handle his urges and doesn't freak out with lack of sex. However, he talks about it all day long, thinks about it constantly, and has stranger fantasies than any man I've ever met... but he's kept me interested now for quite some time. Maybe that's what it takes for me to be happy. There are complications in our relationship, though. Things I would rather not talk about. Not because I don't want anyone to know... this is anonymous... but because I don't want to drudge it up in my brain.

I know this blog is all over the place and I apologize. I feel that way this evening, moreso than usual. Next time maybe I'll talk about my sex toy collection, lol.