Karma

I haven't written in quite a while - these have been some hectic times, but I'll pop in and out, I suppose. I'm feeling a need to talk tonight.

When I was younger I was totally out of touch with reality and how the things I did affected things that were done to me. Through the years, I've seen so much, and eventually I realized that doing good things gets you good things in return, generally speaking. I had this realization when I was walking down the street, when I first moved to the city, and a homeless man asked me for some change. All I had was a 5 dollar bill and a debit card, so I just gave him the 5 dollars. Later that day I was at the grocery store and I was grabbing some bottom-shelf ketchup when there, staring up at me was President Andrew Jackson. I looked around to see if the owner was anywhere in sight, and apparently no one needed any ketchup because I was alone. I picked it up and I automatically thought back to that homeless man. It was like the two events were connected to each other somehow, and that was the final confirmation for me that karma does, in fact, exist - good AND bad.

Though I believe fully in karma and the repercussions bad actions can lead to, my sex addiction has no fear. My life is littered with dysfunctional relationships, and I know why. I've ruined plenty myself. I have single-handedly torn apart marriages, made women break up with men they've been with for years. I'm not proud of that, but it has become part of me because I was that woman once. I am now being punished for all the wrong I've done. I deserve it, I do, but I pray every night that it ends sooner rather than later and I can find someone who "gets" me.

One time, a couple years ago, I was having a party at my house. My female friend and I were playing beer pong and we were holding the table most of the night. It was a great night. There were upwards of 30 people at this party and around 2am it started to thin out a little bit. We still continued to play beerpong. My friend was really drunk and she wanted to go home, so she and her boyfriend left. About 20 minutes later, it was just myself and two or three people in my house, and her boyfriend came back. I asked him why he left her and he said because he wasn't tired and he just wanted to chill. While we were talking and smoking cigarettes the other people left and he asked me if he could stay the rest of the night with me. I said sure, that I would get him a blanket and a pillow. He said he could just sleep in my bed if I didn't mind. I just shrugged my shoulders, like, whatever, if that's what you want to do. Then he said he was kind of scared to sleep beside me because he wasn't sure if he could keep his hands to himself and he thought I would tell on him if he couldn't. At first, I stayed strong, I told him that he would just have to sleep on the couch then. I even got the blanket out for him and I walked to my bedroom. I laid down in my bed and the next thing I knew he was there. He slid his hands up my shirt and squeezed my nipples between his fingers, and he said something like, "You won't tell, will you?" Then that was it, my legs wrapped around him and my tongue was down his throat. Someone's boyfriend. My friend's boyfriend. I didn't think about anything, I just remember squeezing his head between my thighs while he went down on me and loving every second of it and how I tasted myself on his lips when he kissed me. He did things to me that night that make me blush when I think about them, and that's not an easy task. I never did tell, either. I'm pretty sure she still doesn't know about that. I haven't talked to her for quite sometime - but strange thing about it is, I don't even feel guilty. I feel *bad* for betraying her trust, but guilt is not a feeling I am familiar with.

So, now, I have all these relationship woes, but how can I be mad when I look back at everything I've done to deserve them?